Athazagoraphobia

attitudesofcollapse:

I’m fourteen and I’ve been thinking about you all week. I let it slip that I think you are charming and my friends lock me out of the car. “You can’t come in until you kiss him”. We’re in the parkinglot and there is a crowd cheering us on. They applaud when our lips meet. I’ve only done this once before and I’m hoping you don’t notice that I don’t know what I’m doing. But my heart is pounding rhythems and my head is turning somersaults. I bask in the glow the whole way home. 

You come over to watch a movie. My hand is hovering next to yours for two hours, but they never touch. I walk you to your car even though it’s pouring rain and I look terrible when I’m wet. Water is dripping from my eye lashes and my shirt is clinging to my skin. When we hug I can’t breathe. You ask if you can kiss me and I’m trying not to squeal. My friend is watching from the window, she high fives me when I walk in the door soaking wet and smiling. 

We just met a few hours ago, but my date is making moves on my best friend and I’ve never felt so stupid in my entire life. Lights are dancing all around us, showing off in the October air. I’m not sure how we got here but your tongue is flirting with mine. You’ve got lovely eyes, but I’m half certain this is the only night we will ever know eachother. Seven years later we will try this again and everything is perfect and everything gets broken. 

My mother drove for an hour so I could meet you. We go to the shore and I watch a homeless man take your hand in his and I’m jealous of his courage. I pretend to tease you so I’ll have an excuse to touch you. I lead you away from prying eyes. I’m so nervous that I think my heart might explode and I’m scared I might bleed all over you. But I lean in, making the first move for the first time in my life. I am your first girlfriend. I am your first kiss. You are the first boy to break my heart. 

We meet at orientation. I see you from across the room and think you are cute, but I’ve got a boy back home that thinks I’m his. All semester I sit behind you hoping just once you’ll look back and smile. The last day of class you ask for my number and we see a movie. I spend the night wondering if this is a date or if we are the type of friends that watch movies together. We sit by the water and watch the reflection of builings ripple while we share stories in past tense. You ask if kissing is okay. I hate when people ask, but I say okay anyway. 

I’ve been nauseous with excitement all day and I’m wearing my favorite dress. You can’t see colors and I hope I look pretty in black and white.I’m trying to talk so you won’t hear how hard my heart is beating.  I’m sad because I will never be a wizard. You lift my chin “everything will be all right”. Your spit is sweet and I’m wishing this moment will last for the rest of my life. 

Everytime you are in the room I breathe deeper hoping it will help me take you in. Not touching you is torture. One day it will all work out and you’ll know how wonderful I could be. You wont say a word. Instead you’ll look me in the eye and see us lying on the couch reading seperately, but side by side; you’ll see both of us in the bathroom mirror brushing our teeth in unison; you’ll see everything you’ve always wanted. You’ll be so excited to get the future started that you wont be able to hold yourself back for another minute. We will both have fire behind our eye lids.